I’ve decided to put myself back on the meat market.
In the immortal words of Ally McBeal, “I don’t need a man, I want one”
I’ve realised however, that since the last time I put myself out on the market, my market value has decreased dramatically due to age and looks. (read: older, fatter, uglier)
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As soon as I uttered that however, everyone at work pounced on me.
“She’s got like 10 guys stalking her!!!!! They come in here to see her all the frggin time!!!!”
screams one of them. (they’re FRIENDS- many of whom are cute but extremely unfortunately gay). I tell them this.
“No, you literally do have like 10 guys after you. You’re not allowed to say shit like that when you have 10 guys after you.”
“I DO NOT HAVE 10 guys after me. And the guys who like me I don’t like.”
“you’re just picky”
“so you want me to compromise???!! I’d rather take myself off the market!”
“You ARE picky”
Look. I know my market value has gone down, but my standards haven’t and it’s definitely gonna be harder. But what the hell. Let me be picky. Sheesh.
Anyway, to help all singles around the world, I’ve done some mathematical equations on how to calculate your market value.
AGE (20) + LOOKS (50) + PERSONALITY (30) + FETISH CATERED TO (bonus points) = overall meat market rating
The score caters to the guy you’re interested in since each guy has personal preference, but as general rule
AGE: The younger you are the better. Much like the immigration department, men seem to prefer girls 16-30. Although a 5 year difference either way seems to work as a general rule of thumb as well. Best to check what he likes. If he likes MILFS and you’re 17, not a chance sweetpea.
LOOKS: A no-brainer. The better you look, the higher you score. Related to fetish factor in some ways, your look (as any women’s magazine will tell you) can be anything from Sexy to Sophisticated. This will attract different types of men. This is the most important in guy's books.
PERSONALITY: some men like women with the personality of a sponge. Others like an equal. Others like them really really helpless. Demure. Whatever. Unfortunately you score on this one depends on the men’s rating.
FETISH CATERED TO: Quite Easily Done. +5 for each fetish you cater to. And –5 for each turnoff.
Likes glasses? +5. Thinks girls with short hair are spunky? +5 Hates light eyes? –5. Arm hair? –5.
Remember, these scores work on the guy’s scale.
e.g. If you’re Amazonian, blonde and blue eyed with a PhD but he likes 5ft 80lb goth chicks with the “helpless” look then you’re just not even going to have your foot in