Sunday, March 27, 2005

first thoughts at 7am

I woke up this morning...had thoughts doing laps around my cranium at F1 Grand Prix speeds and came up with these conclusions (that are most likely to change during the course of even one day)

a) well-adjustment is a myth
b) being grown-up is a myth
c) my heating bill is going through the roof
d) I really am getting a little too reckless
e) everyone's life is infintely more exciting than yours

a) well-adjustment is a myth

who the hell came up with well-adjustment anyway? I mean after years and years of doing cultural studies, I know there's no such thing as a bloody norm. and a norm is an imaginary concept. But I swear well-adjustment takes it up another step. Self-norm. It's so 90s. I bet some shrink thought it'd be cool to earn money and fuck with people's minds for just that much longer.

Be yourself. Be normal. Be different. Conform. March to the beat of your own drum. Be a team-player.

Everyone's maladjusted. It's just to what extent. On a scale of "having insecurities" to "entirely, totally and utterly loopy", I'd say I was on the former side, and I'm quite happy to have beautiful dysfunction.

I've decided that I am pretty damn "well-adjusted". I function, in all senses of the word. and if I have numerous issues (which I readily admit to) then, I am working on them, and they are probably no more than Mr. Baker 2 doors down. (who could be a serial murderer for all I know)

b) being grown-up is a myth

a close relative. Everyone associates emo with being adolescent. And it probably is. I mean, I certainly don't have as many crazy hormones flooding my system. and of course, I'm definitely not emo any more.

But when does "emo" become "having issues"? When does Dawson's Creek or The OC become Melrose Place or Desperate Housewives?

On another front, man-child, girl-child, "some people never grow up".

While some people literally never grow up (and I'm not talking Michael Jackson), the reality is that overall, there are some parts of you which remain "immature" till well, your mid-twenties, or perhaps always.

They extort you to be young at heart, then tell you at the same time that "never growing up" is a bad thing. Don't get me wrong. I think it is. Infantile behaviour shits me like nothing else.

But where's the line? This is not from just personal self-examination.

I'm looking at my "well-adjusted" to "not-so-well-adjusted" friends. Some are a mental age of 17. Most however, are a blend.

My friend with the perfect family life, he's mature enough to oversee the bills, look after his cousins (and their bills, and general well-being), run some properties and finances for his family, drive a BMW 5-series, and live in a penthouse. He's also really well-adjusted on the relationships front, with a long term girlfriend whose parents get along with him and vice versa. Oh. And he's pretty ruthless in the boardroom. On the other hand, he plays computer games with childish glee, likes mindless (cartoon) violence, and still has some boyish traits in him that make him endearing, not childish.

And that's a blend.

And then I thought- what the hell. How do we form our personalities anyway? Psychologists tell you it's pretty much formed by the age of 3. The basic personality that is, and life experience obviously does the rest of the work for you.

Thing is, personality is formed layer upon layer. Experience upon experience. Decision upon decision. And all this goes allthewayrightbacktowhenyouwereaweetot so how can you be you, without your kid showing through?

c) is self-explanatory

d) I really am getting a little too reckless

and I really need to stop. I know there are consequences despite my blinkers, despite me telling myself there are none. Consequences not only to me, but to people around me. And yeah well, it's the people around me whom I'm more concerned about. I make my own shit, I clean my own shit. Other people didn't ask for shit.

e) everyone's life is infintely more exciting than yours

My life is more interesting than yours, damn straight!

Well no. It's not. Truly, honestly.

Everyone thinks everyone's life is more interesting than theirs. and it's not. I don't think I meet wonderfully varied and overwhelmingly interesting and different people who colour my life and take them as my friends. But people do.

Just like I think some people have the most interesting lives I could never have. Meeting a communist in the slums of the phils, knowing a raggae singer, painters, artists. Constantly having to travel around with 14 bodyguards because you may well be kidnapped. Having lived and studied in 5 different countries throughout your life, speaking each local language, knowing each local culture. Having been penniless and having slept on friend's couches. Modelling in Europe, while doing a degree at the same time. Being a jazz recording artist by night, and a suit by day. A drug pusher at night, and a straight-laced nerdy student by day. A guy running a family construction business, who then qualifies for the Olympic team, knows royalty, and the obscenely rich. Someone who went to school with Paris Hilton, had Linda Evangelista as her next door neighbour and has Kelly Chen as her cousin.

The mind boggles.

but if you think about it. Your life must seem interesting to them too.

You who study Law. You must know all these rich kids who drive a different car to school every day yes? Or that guy who dated that famous singer, he's in your batch isn't he?

Or you in advertising who catches the 6.30 flight to Sydney on business to be back in Melbourne by 4pm.

Or you with the family beachhouse.

Or you who lives in a sharehouse with 15 other people, sleeps on dank couches and knows that you can't ever turn on the hot water in the bathtub when your housemate in the room 2 doors down from yours has the heater on because the tap would electrocute you.

Or you the fag hag who knows more gays than people thought populated the entire country.

Or you the traveller who waits on tables at a pub, lives upstairs with 10 other people, no door to your bedroom and finds random people on your floor the next morning.

Or you the struggling student who does waitressing at events and meets the most interesting people through your job.

Think about it. Your life is infinitely more interesting than you think it is. Because while it all seems 'romantic' or 'glamourous' or 'fascinating' to everyone else, to you, all the stardust has been stripped away simply because you live in that skin, day in day out.

Think about it. and think about the fact that in the end, we are all made of stardust.

(and now I think I'm slightly late for a 9-hour shift)