turn turn turn

2 of us we were singing 90s songs at work today....it started with me singing "Dizzy".

and no one knew what we were singing. egawd. I am growing old.

but I've also realised how much I've changed. It's to be expected. But even from 21-23, the sheer amount.

I remember talking to chalyz, and her comment this morning about being so touched that someone who wasn't hitting on her was calling her beautiful. And I remember a time when I would have been, but now, if someone did, I'd think they were fishing for compliments. Especially if they come from the hospitality/entertainment/beauty/media industry.

I realise how insular I have become.

and I realise how callous I have become.

I realise how cynical I am. I have always been cynical, very much so. but it's just been taken up a notch more.

I don't believe in the milk of human kindness. I don't believe in nice people. I don't believe in any of that. They're mythical things. Like unicorns and centaurs.

I've grown stronger, maybe harder. Maybe not. Maybe I've even allowed myself to grow softer. Let people in, express emotions more frequently.

and here it is. that virulent personality encapsulated in a girl with a face that looks....sweet. cheeky occassionally, sometimes sly because of cat eyes. Many people have told me I look like one of those atas yet classy bitches who hang round Paragon too much, the ones who have that "come near me and I might sneeze" look. But hey. at least they look good.

but no one expects the personality they eventually meet. A cagey, cynical, pacing, fighting scratching, ferocious feline underneath. The feline who'll watch you out of narrowed eyes as you watch them, and when you're least expecting it, swipes you. the cute cuddly one who plays with you, but then turns round on people they don't like and scratches them to ribbons.

listening to: my friend on jazz piano.