swish

while chatting to chalyz over the phone a couple of days ago, I came to an epiphany of sorts, my own personal online/ontap shrink. well maybe not so much my shrink as the key to that darned secret garden in my own personal house of winchester. I have to turn the locks myself, have to step in if I dare, but chalyz is like a catalyst of sorts.

chatting to her, I realised so many things about myself that I hadn't realised before, or had always known but never confronted.

and as I've mulled over it these past few days, I realise how much of my personality stems from this.

Maslow's Hierachy of Needs. it's one giant mindmap. One giant flowchart.

and as I was soaking myself in the shower, rinsing out my intensive treatment/knots in my back and neck/this really teary feeling I've been getting for the past few days (it's a sum of many things- all to do with the job and maybe a little to do with the fatigue, let's not get into it) I realised that good things do come out of it.

I may be far more damaged than I let on, so much so that no one sees it- not even myself. But some of my best points come from it.

I haven't gotten mad in a long time, and only one person can push all my buttons. And it's a good thing we're over a thousand miles apart. Damn modern technology.

and I realise through recent trials that my infinite patience, my deadly calm, my tolerance, and my lack of expectations, my independence...they're all byproducts. Byproducts of my will to survive.

I may give the impression of a panic-stricken child when thrown into the deep end, but deep ends seem to be the only classroom I understand. and I realise that if things happen to me personally, I am deadly calm. It's only when other people are involved, when other people are directly or indirectly my responsibility that I get shaken.

The phoenix will fly on, my constant reminder. and perhaps the only thing I truly rely on. and one day, when I am ready, I will finally let myself go.

listening to: radiohead- creep